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Do you suspect that your partner or spouse is having an emotional affair? Perhaps you are feeling alone and isolated, even though you are in a relationship or married, or even if you are quarantining with your partner right now. It is almost like you don’t really have love in your life even though, you do have a partner or spouse.
My coaching team is reporting that despite more physical proximity with partners, clients are saying that there’s been an increase in concerns about emotional affairs. The emotional juice, the attention, the appreciation, and caring are focused on a third person, not on them. This can even happen virtually—via texts, emails, shared photos, Facebook and phone calls. This other person, this special friend becomes a fantasy of all that is wonderful to the partner. While you languish and feel neglected. And more and more upset, abandoned or rejected.
You may find yourself constantly fighting about the emotional affair and your partner’s special friend. You worry that their relationship may become sexual. Or that your partner may just run off with his or her special friend. You may feel like your marriage or relationship is going downhill and won’t last. You may be feeling worse and worse in terms of your attractiveness and self esteem. These are all signs that your partner is having an emotional affair.
But the great news is that you can turn things around in your couple. You can overcome an emotional affair. Here are six keys that can get you back on a connected loving footing with your partner.
Overcoming an Emotional Affair Key #1: Journal about your deeper feelings of pain
Get underneath your anger to journal about and explore your loneliness, sadness and hurt. Journal about the pain. How you feel abandoned. Like a second fiddle. The suffering. The loss in self-esteem. The feeling of being alone and isolated. The pain you are feeling is most likely linked to childhood wounds. Link it back to some times in your childhood where you felt abandoned, for example, in dealing with a distant mother or father. Remember that time you were ignored by your father when you appeared in your prom dress. Or that time your mother forgot to pick you up at school. Journal freely about your experiences of abandonment now and in the past.
Overcoming an Emotional Affair Key #2: Arrange a time to have an important talk with your partner
Then let your partner know that you need to have an important talk with them that affects the future of your relationship. Arrange a time to speak where you can be alone with your partner, with no kids, cell phones or distractions. Ask him or her to please plan to listen to what you have to say because it affects your relationship or marriage going forward. If this is done with very little drama and a simple serious tone, it is very very powerful! I repeat, If this is done with very little drama and a simple serious tone, it is truly powerful! When delivered this way, this simple announcement will usually get your partner or spouse’s attention!
Overcoming an Emotional Affair Key #3: Talk without drama
Sit down with your partner at the time you agreed to have the talk. Make sure there are no diversions. Once again, avoid drama. Avoiding drama fully empowers you. Drama just weakens your position and what you have to say. In a drama-free way remind him or her to please listen to what you have to say because you are having problems being in the relationship or marriage going forward. And things may not work out. This will definitely get their attention if they are interested in being with you going forward.
Then take your journal notes and authentically share the real pain, loneliness and upset you have been having because of their relationship with their special friend. Describe how your self-esteem has gone down, the anxiety symptoms you may be experiencing, like insomnia, or changes in appetite. Or depressed feelings. Be as real as possible about your pain, upset and suffering. Let him or her know how this ties into your childhood wounds and the deep pain you have experienced as a child.
