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Lasting passionate love in happy couples is not achieved by reading love advice or self-help books or dumping the problem partner you’re with and going on to the next grass-is-greener pasture to find the One. Happy couples create lasting passionate love the hard way, through daily, weekly and monthly practice of four key strategies.

How do I know this? I’ve been married to the same man for over 35 years. Happily married. We’ve weathered one of our families disowning us and refusing to even meet our baby girl because one of us is Jewish while the other is Italian; the devastating death of a child; a life-threatening illness; stormy fights; and the deadly boring stretches when we seemed to have nothing in common.

But today we’re stronger, more in love and sexier than ever together.

The State of Marriage Today

These days marriages are dying out faster and faster. The average marriage lasts a little under seven years. Yet research shows that married people are healthier, wealthier and happier.  In fact, marital happiness contributes far more to personal happiness than any other factor, including work and friendship satisfaction. This is especially true for happy couples who have been together in a long-term relationship. Not only that but studies also show that lasting passionate love in happy couples exists and is not as rare as you think. Bottom line: if you want personal excellence in your life it is critical to create, nurture and sustain a committed and lasting passionate love relationship.

The Four Practices of Lasting Passionate Love in Happy Couples

Like a crusader, I’ve dedicated the last 20+ years of my life to finding the holy grail of love. Armed with an M.A. and a Ph.D. in psychology, I realized success leaves secrets.  This is why I went on my own personal journey of demystifying the elusive mystery of finding real and lasting love.  While on this journey I studied happy couples (hard to find, but I did) and apprenticed with mentors, other psychologists and self-help gurus so I could find the secret dynamics that make love work.  And in the end  I was able to distill out four key practices that are crucial in keeping love alive.

These are the practices I’ve used in my own lab, my marriage, that have allowed my husband, Sam, and I to weather the family upsets, disappointments, setbacks, losses and other slings and arrows that most couples face. I’ve also used these powerful practices to help thousands of other happy couples create a lasting passionate love relationship.

The four keys and action steps to lasting passionate love in happy couples and to your own happily-ever-after are: 1) Spending Time Alone as A Couple; 2) Holding Listening Sessions; 3) Planning for Sex; and, 4) Resolving Conflict.

Happy Couples Passionate Love Action 1: Spending Time Alone As A Couple

Research shows that couples who report the highest level of satisfactions spend the most amount of time alone together. This means no kids, no friends, no family: just the two of you.

Sam and I were juggling private practices and running a therapy center and post-graduate training institute in the early years of our marriage.  Needless to say, at the end of the day we were ready to fall into bed and it sure wasn’t for sex!  Weekends were spent zooming around on errands and the kids’ play dates and activities.  But we knew the dangers of continuing on this path.

What Saved Us

We permanently set aside Alone Time twice a week for us, once during the day and once at night.  We hired a permanent babysitter and back-up for those times.  And for an unbroken string of years, we have kept that time sacred, no matter what.  It’s been the bedrock that holds us together as best friends.

Happy Couples Passionate Love Action 2. Holding Listening Sessions

Research shows that effective communication is a common trait of healthy couples.  And at the heart of effective communication is the ability to listen to your partner without judgment.  When Sam and I met we were psych grad students, rivals for the same stipends and awards.  We were young know-it-alls for whom listening was a foreign ritual.  This meant we were drifting farther and farther apart.