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Should I Stay or Should I Go? When Is the Right Time to Seek Divorce

I threw my wedding ring across the room. It was our honeymoon, we were arguing, and I was flooded. Why couldn’t he understand me? Had I made a huge mistake?

We’d eloped to Greece, planning to exchange simple, private vows before my mom and best friend.The little resort we were staying at in Skyros was owned by a lovely Greek man who suddenly offered to host our celebration and pay for it – he considered it fabulous PR. Before we knew it we had a wedding arch on a cliff over the sea, a flautist serenading me down the aisle, a bouzouki band creating a boisterous reception and a full Greek buffet with the obligatory roast lambs on spits. The BBC happened to be on the island to shoot a travel show and the cameraman insisted he’d film our vows. Our total cost? About $300 for the barrels of retsina. 

It was a full Mamma Mia celebration – a perfect wedding filled with love and hope.The most beautiful part? Traditional Greek wedding crowns were placed on our heads, joined by a long white ribbon that flowed down my back and up the back of my groom, joining us as we slowly circled together three times. Past, present and future woven together with our simple vows to love each other, No Matter What.

Three Years Later…

We stood on another shore as we said goodbye. It had been a sad and angry end, but we’d met after the divorce was final to see if a ritual could help us heal and let go. We cut the white ribbon and threw our Greek wedding crown into the sea. And it was done.

Looking back on my first marriage, I can see how we lacked the skills to do what it takes to create a healthy happy relationship. We had love, but that’s never enough. Sure, chocolate is necessary to make a chocolate cake, but you also need other ingredients. A great relationship needs communication, effort, tenacity, and much more than simply love. All these years later, I still wonder –  If we’d had the skills we’d needed, would we have gone the distance?

It IS possible to turn a relationship around, even when you are in serious trouble. I speak here about the horsemen and what I call the mosquitoes – the smaller, almost silent relationship killers. I also introduce you to a couple from my program who went from “I want a divorce” to “happy and in love”. 

Soft vs. Hard Reasons

There are several commonly reported contributors to divorce. Research reported in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage distinguishes between “soft” reasons –  not being able to talk to each other, high levels of conflict and arguing, feeling lonely within the relationship – and ‘“hard” reasons such as abuse, addiction and infidelity.  Despite what you may think, the big dealbreaker issues are not the most common causes. All too often the couples report a variation of the soft theme of  “we just grew apart”.  Another study looked at the role of perceived happiness and beliefs about romantic love in the divorce decision making process. The ephemeral concept of being “in love” versus feeling more general love for a partner influences respondents’ attitudes toward the possibility of divorce in the future, as does whether a person believes it is important to work at both love and happiness within a relationship.

The Blame Game

Not surprisingly, most of the people surveyed blamed their spouse for the divorce, not themselves. Now think about that. If I feel like I’ve “fallen out of love” with my partner and I believe this means we are not compatible and that my happiness lies elsewhere, I may end a relationship and suffer the often devastating consequences.

What if, instead of taking this unexamined path, I were to learn that relationship fluctuations are natural and expected, that the bloom for lust and love do settle down, and that communication can be learned and the distance between us can be bridged? This is what I teach in my 12-week Become Passion couples program. Many of my couples tell me that they were filing for divorce and took my program as a last chance effort – and that they were shocked to realize how little they knew about the predictors of divorce and the prescription for long term relationship health. 

Impact of Divorce

Anyone who has been through a divorce or breakup of any committed romantic relationship knows the aftermath is rough. There is plenty of research detailing the dire effects of divorce, but all you really need to do is look at your friends and your own history. 

There can be significant negative impacts on everything from physical and mental health to finances to the effect on your children, family and social circle and much more. While few people leave a major relationship lightly, too many may do it for the wrong reasons, or for reasons that are valid but can be changed.

Now to be clear, sometimes a divorce is a wise solution to relationship troubles. I have no philosophical, moral, spiritual or clinical reason to be opposed to divorce – I myself was divorced two short years after the Mamma Mia wedding. But before you make a final decision, make sure to evaluate your motivations and consider the possibility that the two of you can create a more healthy and happy relationship together. This evaluation is very helpful whether or not or choose to stay or go, because clarity can help with your healing either way.

Signs You Are in Trouble – But Change is Possible  

Poor Communication

No matter how hard you try, it feels like every conversation turns into an argument. You are walking on eggshells or, in Gottman terms, are caught in negative sentiment override. There is a lot of criticism and the other horsemen have taken up residence in your living room. When you do have a more reasonable discussion it feels like your partner doesn’t understand you, which leaves you feeling frustrated and alone.

Loss of Connection

You are living separate lives, stuck in what I call Marriage Inc. – where you run your household and family like a business but there is little or no “us”, just joint CEO’s making sure the mortgage gets paid and the kids get to school on time. There is little or no emotional connection, cuddling, or sexuality. It’s the dreaded “roommates  not lovers”. 

Trust Betrayal

Whether your trust has been betrayed by a big event like infidelity or discovering your partner has spent all of your carefully accumulated savings behind your back, or trust has been slowly worn down by a cumulation of broken promises, lack of trust is a major problem that must be addressed.

If You’re Thinking of Leaving

You probably ask yourself questions like: 

“Should I get a divorce?”

“How can I get emotional clarity about whether to stay or go?”

“When is it time to let go of my relationship?”

The Cycle of Thoughts and Emotions

Perhaps you’ve been unhappy in your relationship for a long time. Maybe you feel like you are the only one lobbying for more. You don’t know whether to stay or go. You dream about future happiness, yet you know the emotional, financial and family toll that usually follows in the wake of divorce. This state of psychological ambivalence – feeling both pulled to stay AND pulled to leave – is extremely uncomfortable. Spending endless hours in a paralyzing cycle of pros and cons, fear and hope, doubt and temporary certainty is emotionally exhausting.

You want to get away from this person you believe doesn’t give you what you desire, this person who disappoints you, takes you for granted, and frankly annoys or angers you on a daily basis. You don’t like who you’ve become – critical, negative, clingy and demanding. All too often it feels like the right decision is to leave.